On the True Nature of Cats

Thanks to Jurassic Park, everyone is now aware of chaos theory and the so-called “Butterfly Effect” – the idea that apparently unconnected events can really be in a cause-and-effect relationship to each other; the idea that everything in the universe is so deeply intertwined that the air currents from the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil can lead to a Goldbergian series of events which culminates in a thunderstorm in China.
Cats have known this for millions of years; and they also can instinctively see how it works. They see lines of probability in the air, as clearly as we see grass and trees and buildings. And they know how to manipulate the Butterfly Effect to their advantage. A lot of their apparently pointless behavior is really a manifestation of this innate ability to look at a situation, do the insanely complicated math to figure out what particular movement needs to happen in order to get a result they want, and then make that movement happen.
So when a cat suddenly and inexplicably sprints from one room to another, stops short, and meows, it’s not random. She is making air currents move, setting in motion a series of events; and the fact that you will jump in surprise has been figured into her calculations. This is why cats always investigate any new objects in the house so carefully. They need to figure out how the object will change the air currents in the room, so they can recalibrate their movements accordingly. This is also why cats get so very angry when they’re held at a time when they don’t want to be held. We’re preventing them from doing the necessary movements at the right time.
People have always had a vague idea that cats had some inexplicable power. The ancient Egyptians revered their cats as gods, and pampered and prayed to them in hopes that they would make sure the Nile flooded each year, but not TOO much flooding, please. Medieval Europeans noticed some of the odd things that were happening, and had the vague idea that cats were to blame, so they burned many cats as witches – as well as many old ladies who had lots of cats, because that looked like aiding and abetting. We’ve suspected, but we’ve never seen the whole picture because we didn’t know about the Butterfly Effect.
So, exactly what changes will the cat make by manipulating the Butterfly Effect? Usually, what she’s doing is changing the weather so she can have a sunbeam to lie in when she wants one. This is the real reason cats fight each other so viciously – it’s nothing to do with mating or territory, they’re fighting over who gets the next sunbeam.
But sometimes, it’s much more intricate than that. The evolution of man is the direct result of the coordinated efforts of billions of cats over millions of years. Humans developed intelligence because CATS ARE LAZY. The saber-toothed tigers of prehistoric days were tired of running after things and eating them raw. That was interfering with some prime sunbathing time, and also not very tasty. They could have decided to evolve hands, so they could make fire for cooking, tend livestock, make fishing poles, build factories, etc. But it all would have made so much work that it wasn’t worth it. Instead, they carefully orchestrated events so the right electrons would strike the right parts of the brains of the right monkeys at the right time… and one day a monkey thought, “I’d like to move out of the trees, get a nice cave in the suburbs, develop thought, language, and culture, and maybe someday my descendants will build a cat food factory. I wonder what that is?” Each phase in human progress, from the discovery of fire to the Industrial Revolution, was initiated by this sort of thing. (Ever notice how many great inventors had cats? NOT a coincidence.) The cats also evolved smaller teeth and bodies, so we would find them endearing and take them into our nice warm houses, feed them, clean up their poop, and never ask anything in return except that they sit there being cute. As far as the cats are concerned, the world is now perfect.
They do some basic maintenance, like making sure no comets make a direct hit on the earth and form dust clouds that block out the sun. (The last one was their idea, because it forced humans to look for ways to keep warm and discover fire. But that phase of the plan is now past.) For the same reason, they have ensured that no nuclear wars have started. They have triggered series of events to make sure an electron always hits the right part of the right brain to make someone think, “Wait, I can’t push the Big Red Button! If I did that, there’d be nuclear winter and my cat wouldn’t have any sunbeams to lie in. I wonder why I thought of my cat just now?”
But for the most part, the cats are free to lie around in sunbeams all day and wait for the delightful sound of the can opener. Heaven knows they’ve earned it.


© John M. Munzer