The wonderful thing about therapy...

 One fine day in the Hundred Acre Wood, Rabbit was in his garden harvesting carrots. The sun was shining, the breeze was cool but not cold, and it was altogether restful and pleasant.

Suddenly Rabbit heard the sound of rapidly accelerating paws and the jubilant cry "RABBIT-IT'S-SO-GOOD-TO-SEE-YOU-CAN-I-GIVE-YOU-A-HUG?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Rabbit froze, his eyes widening, his jaw drooping, his shoulders sagging...

And Tigger, his legs already beginning the pounce, saw what was happening and course-corrected. He landed on his back in a flurry of limbs several yards to the side of Rabbit rather than on top of him, scrambled back to his feet and trotted slowly up to Rabbit, his expression changed in a moment from joy to concern and (it must be noted) shame. 

"Aw no, aw jeez, aw buddy boy, I'm so sorry, aw no aw no he was catatonic a whole ten minutes last time I forgot, aw man we worked on this so much in therapy and I KNOW how trauma works now and I still ... aw no... Rabbit can ya hear me buddy boy? You're safe, buddy boy, breathe... inhale... hold it... exhale... wait... picture that square, Rabbit, keep breathing, I'm sorry I'm so sorry..."

Within moments, Rabbit's frozen thousand-yard stare thawed into a warm smile. Rabbit took Tigger's paw and patted it, saying, "Thank you, dear friend, that was MUCH better than last time. It wasn't perfect, but it was MUCH better and I want you to be proud of the steps you're taking in the right direction. I can see how hard you've been working on respecting my boundaries and my needs. I would LOVE a hug now."

As the friends embraced (with affection and mutual enthusiasm and consent), Rabbit added, "I really appreciate that you gave me a Tigger warning."

The Space Orcs of Space Orcs

 "Oh hork oh hork oh hork oh hork oh hork we are so horking HORKED!"

The Copplian first mate had never seen zir captain afraid of ANYTHING, and was shocked to see the triumphant body langauge shift so suddenly into abject terror.

"Captain, what's wrong?"

"First mate, the vessel we just captured has a HUMAN aboard!"

NOW it was clear why the captain was terrified. But, surely...

"But surely, captain, the stories must be exaggerated. They CAN'T be as dangerous as the legends say."

"Have you been to their homeworld?"

"Negative, captain."

"I have. I was there on the first recon missions before contact was made. Our suits were just barely capable of withstanding the toxic and corrosive atmosphere the humans breathe. We landed in a place the Terrans call "Florida". I observed one of the humans engaged in a sport called "gator wrestling". An animal several times larger than the human, with a bite force in excess of eight THOUSAND Newtons ... and the human had wrestled it into submission. Humans had learned that the muscles which CLOSE the beast's jaws are incredibly powerful, but the muscles which OPEN the jaws are far weaker. And afterwards, the humans were EATING chunks of alligator. Coated in capsaicin, which is TOXIC to humans. And showing every sign of enjoyment. You see, humans are not as strong as we are, nor as numerous, nor as intelligent, but they are unrivalled at two things: Surviving impossible odds, and finding ways to exploit the weaknesses of much more powerful enemies."

"But sir, as you say, we have every possible advantage. Our ship is faster and more powerful, our weapons are more powerful, we are physically larger and stronger and faster, we are more intelligent. We can easily destroy this one human."

"One, certainly. But are you prepared to force our species to fight eight BILLION Death Breathers? I also learned something else about humans: They have practiced their skill of defeating more powerful enemies by fighting the most terrifying possible opponents."

"The Gloxxan? Five meters high with leaden exoskeletons and mandibles that can slice through metal?"

"No, worse. OTHER HUMANS. You have perhaps heard that there are many tribes of humans, and that they used to fight each other before learning that there were other intelligent species in the universe?"

"Yes, sir."

"And you have, perhaps, heard of the Russians?"

Now the first mate grew, if possible, even more terrified than the captain. "The human aboard the vessel we captured is RUSSIAN? The humans that burned their own city to the ground in order to ensure that the invaders would freeze to death?"

"No, First Mate. This human is not Russian, and I would NOT advise you to refer to her as such in her presence. Do you see the yellow and blue symbol on her torso? That means she is UKRAINIAN."

There was a long silence as the First Mate digested this information. 

Then:

"Unconditional surrender and abject apology, sir?"

"Unconditional surrender and, as you say, abject apology, First Mate."

Fourth of July and national pride

I have to admit, it's been getting increasingly difficult to feel patriotic on our nation's birthday. 

It's been damn hard to feel much pride in a country wherein a third of the voters STILL support the guy who tried to overthrow the will of the people by violence, and continually deny that's what he did despite the evidence of their own eyes. And another third couldn't even be bothered to vote against the guy who led the charge to overthrow the will of the people.

It's been damn hard to feel much pride in a country where so many of its citizens believe that compelling everyone to stand in a show of respect to a flag would be patriotism, but endorsing a citizen's right to protest when the enforcers of our country's law aren't enforcing it equally is NOT patriotism.

It's been damn hard to feel much pride in a country where so many of its citizens believed that their right to go to the grocery store without a mask during a global pandemic was more important than the right of their own grandparents to live.

It's been damn hard to feel much pride in a country where so many of its citizens believe that it would be better off being run by their specific brand of "Christian values", and never ever realize that their brand of values are the opposite in every way to those preached by their Christ.

It's been damn hard to feel much pride in a country where so many of its citizens believe without evidence that drag queens and trans women are the most likely people to sexually assault children, and want to make laws to protect kids from this imaginary threat... when the fact is that statistically most sex offenders are cisgender heterosexual men who attend church regularly. (And of COURSE sex offenders go to church and worm their way into children's ministry. Where else are they likely to find kids whose parents teach them to obey religious authority figures without question, won't give them any sex education beyond "Don't", and make them feel ashamed of anything related to sex? Where else would they find such easy victims who are so unlikely to report the crime?)

It's been damn hard not to wonder whether democracy is even a good idea, when it's the system that put a toddler who's perpetually mid-tantrum in charge of the Big Red Button. And might even do so again. Even AFTER hearing about all that motherfucker's crimes against democracy. 

YES. All of that.

AND.

It's also the country that was founded on the (at the time radical) idea that no one human or group of humans should have absolute power.

It was founded on the idea that the citizens should control the government rather than vice versa. 

It was founded on the idea that no one should ever be powerful enough to stop even the most powerless person from publicly criticizing them. 

It was founded on the idea that the laws should change as society changes, that human beings could and SHOULD become more moral over time and change national policy accordingly. 

It was founded on the idea that liberty should continue to expand to more and more people over time. 

It was founded on the idea that the government IS the people and the people ARE the government. Taxation could no longer be theft because it was the people deciding collectively how their resources should be pooled for the common good, not just one guy in a fancy golden hat taking and spending their money on his own whim.

It was founded by people who even in their own failings and hypocrisy recognized their failings and hypocrisy - people who called slavery a blight and an abomination even as they continued to practice it, but nevertheless expressed the hope that one day their more enlightened descendants would end the practice. 

It was founded on the idea that everyone deserves at a bare minimum to have life, liberty, and the ability to pursue happiness (as the individual defines happiness).

It was founded by people who knew that humans were ignorant and brutal but hoped that over time humans would become more enlightened and less violent, and created a system to give humans room to grow into better people, a system that gave society room to grow into a better society.

The Founding Fathers created a system wherein people could realize that what the Founding Fathers wanted... was for their children's children's children to not have to give a shit what the Founding Fathers would have wanted. Because they knew we would have more information and be able to make better decisions.

The Founding Fathers created a system of checks and balances that, while frustratingly slow to enact necessary changes for the better, ALSO made it as difficult as possible for any one misguided person to make any permanent changes for the worse.

They made a system wherein people could express their patriotism not with unqualified declarations of love for "my country, right or wrong", but wherein people could love their country enough to demand that it become a better country. 

And that, despite our country's many, many flaws, IS worth celebrating. That IS worth being proud of.

Through the Bella Donna's eyes

 

I've got something weird going on with one of my eyes. It looks like it should be okay, so don't worry about me if you're a reader who knows me. The point is, one of the treatments is atropine eye drops. And the eye drops did what they needed to do, but as a side effect the vision in that eye is super blurry. Like, I have to use the biggest font possible and wear an eyepatch as I type this (yarr, avast me hearties, etc) because it's impossible for me to read otherwise. Fortunately it's just one eye, so I have enough vision to be more or less functional if I cover the malfunctioning orb.

I was curious because I knew I'd heard the word "atropine" before and had associated it with some poison that would have been used in, like, an Agatha Christie story. So I looked it up, and sure enough, it's extracted from deadly nightshade - also known as belladonna.

And it's called belladonna - Italian for "beautiful lady" - because during the Renaissance women used to use it in eyedrops to dilate their pupils - the idea was that guys would find their eyes more beautiful because their pupils were so wide. It would send the guy a subconscious signal something like "Dude, this girl is totally into me, her eyes are wide with wonder at every word I say".

So now that I've experienced for myself how, with this one eye affected by atropine, I can't read, can't drive, have to close the affected eye in order to do pretty much anything that requires seeing clearly...

I'm starting to imagine how some of the classic "chivalrous" stuff that men were supposed to do for women got started.

I'm starting to think that some contessa pulled her grandson aside before his first date and told him, "Listen, bambino, your girlfriend can't breathe because of all the corsets she's wearing to have the figure that you think she ought to have, and she can't see because she put LITERAL POISON, IN HER EYES, to give you the impression that your conversation is WAY more scintillating than it actually is. So the least you can do is make sure she doesn't break her neck. Help her in and out of the carriage, her depth perception is off and her mobility is limited. Pull her chair out for her and push it in so she doesn't fall on her culo. Take her arm and guide her, she can't see for shit and she'll break her nose on the doorpost if you leave her to fend for herself. Order dinner for her, she can't read the menu. You're paying, because she can't tell which coins are which. And if you don't do those things and she gets hurt, your nonna will make you wish you'd never been born, capiche?"

Humans as space orcs: A breath of fresh air

Warning. Warning. Malfunction in the atmospheric waste processing unit. Atmosphere will become unbreathable in approximately 500 b'Logan respiration cycles.

The computer's psychic warning sent immediate panic throughout the crew... all except one.

The human, of course, couldn't perceive psychic messages and needed it translated via visual symbols or vibrations in the air. Fortunately, the b'Logan Gra-lor had a translator unit and was able to make the human understand the danger. 

"How long do we have?"

... "PROCESSING... The time until the atmosphere becomes toxic will take about five of your Earth minutes. We will not have enough time to repair the unit before we expire. We must say our last goodbyes now."

"To hell with goodbyes, I'm not giving up that easy" retorted Greg, as he grabbed Gra-lor and the translator unit, tucked them both easily under his arm, and began sprinting towards the atmospheric waste processing unit. 

..."PROCESSING... Human Greg, it is dangerous in there! Even now the crew members inside the waste processing room will be near expiration from the high concentration of toxic gases!"

"Then I'd better get them out of there, don't you think?" panted Greg, winded from unaccustomed exercise, as he punched in the code to enter the room. "So this atmosphere is now going to be even MORE toxic than what you normally breathe?" he queried as he left Gra-lor outside and strode in, grabbing two b'Logan engineers in each hand and quickly carrying them back into the hall.

Warning. Warning. Malfunction in the atmospheric waste processing unit. Atmosphere will become unbreathable in approximately 200 b'Logan respiration cycles.

..."PROCESSING... Human Greg, the atmosphere in the room is 75 percent nitrogen, a negligible amount of carbon dioxide, and the rest is a corrosive toxin so potent that it can reduce ferrous material to a crumbling dust given enough time."

"Wait, what? Are you telling me the atmosphere in that room is now 25 percent OXYGEN?"

..."PROCESSING... Human Greg, YES, that is what I am telling you."

"Well why the FUCK didn't you say so in the first place?" roared Greg, ripping off his suit's helmet.

Gra-lor gasped, then choked and sputtered on what he'd just inhaled. Greg, meanwhile, shut the door and locked him out.

Then, grinning broadly, he took in a huge breath of air, scanning the room, and then exhaling slowly over the gills of the nearest unconscious b'Logan engineer, who began to stir.

Taking another deep breath, Greg held it long enough to bring out another two handfuls of crew, then went back, again and again, until it was confirmed that he was the only lifeform left in the room. Then he sat and just... breathed.

Atmospheric levels of oxygen down to safe levels in the body of the ship. Down to 18.5% inside the atmospheric waste processing room. Human Greg appears to be losing consciousness...

As Greg's eyes started to close, he saw the b'Logan engineers, now in their own suits, flooding the room. Half of them were scrambling to repair the damage and the other half frantically dragging a hose towards Greg's mouth...

..."PROCESSING... Human Greg, you are awake! I am experiencing such joy!"

"Thanks. Ugh, I've got the worst headache. Hey, I'm breathing without my helmet now, and you're wearing a suit. How's that happening?"

..."PROCESSING... Human Greg, we have recalibrated the atmospheric waste processing system so that it now concentrates all of the oxygen and dumps it into your quarters, except for what is pumped into your suit's tanks. A stable 21 percent oxygen, slightly higher than what you'd normally experience on Earth. You will be able to breathe freely in here from now on, and we will be able to breathe freely everywhere else in the ship. Additionally, the waste processing system will be in less danger of being overloaded again since you will be processing a large percentage of the oxygen now. We all owe you our continued existences, Human Greg", continued Gra-lor.

"How did you little guys get me IN here? I'm as big as fifty of you!"

..."PROCESSING... Human Greg, then it is fortunate that there are five hundred of us."

Greg bared his teeth, in what humans insisted was a "friendly grin" while every other known species, sentient or otherwise, did not view this as a sign of friendliness. But Human Greg was a fast learner, and lowered his head in the not-a-threat gesture that was more readily recognizable to non-humans.

"Then it sounds like I owe my life to all of you as well. Thanks, buddy" replied Greg, this time smiling with his mouth shut so his mouth-bones wouldn't startle Gra-lor.

..."PROCESSING... Human Greg, it is strange to see you without your suit, and especially without your helmet. If you'll forgive my saying so, the effect is unnerving."

"Really? How so?"

..."PROCESSING... Human Greg, all over the rest of your body are disproportionately huge muscles covering the bones, which makes your appearance alien yet robust. But your head - aside from the jaw muscles it is mostly bone, covered only by a thin layer of dermis. It's like watching a skeleton speaking, as it breathes in death, and yet exhales life. It's... I believe the nearest equivalent concept in your speech is 'uncanny', Human Greg. Seeing you without your suit, breathing your natural atmosphere, I see why other species refer to yours as the Death Breathers. And yet, the uncanniness is... in an odd way, lovely. Not aesthetically, but as a sort of living poetry."

Greg laughed, another human behavior to which the b'Logan had never quite gotten accustomed. "Well, I've always thought you little fellas were cute in a hideous way too, since we're not being offended by each other's instinctive responses to the unfamiliar. I'm glad we can help each other to stay alive, and I'm glad that one being's poison can be another's breath of fresh air."

Make a wish

 

Other stories have been told of what would happen in a comic book world if a kid asked the Make-a-Wish foundation for a chance to meet a super-villain instead of a superhero. This is the story of what happened when a child asked to meet Doctor Gene Splicer…

 

Chapter 1

“Say that again, but make sense this time.”

“Okay, Doctor, but it’s the same message as before. The word got put out that a kid at the hospital wants to meet you, and considers this his last request. Apparently he’s really fascinated by genetic research, and he knows that you’re light-years ahead of everyone else in the field.”

Doctor Gene Splicer stared at nothing for a full minute, trying to process the idea that anyone, let alone a child, actively WANTED to meet him and talk with him. (Other than law enforcement, naturally, and of course the Masked Vigilante).

“And the usual agreement in these cases will hold? The police and the so-called heroes will make no attempt to arrest or follow me as long as I am not an immediate threat?”

“Correct. You will do nothing to endanger anyone, and the enforcers of the law will in turn do nothing to inhibit you. It will be a truce. And as you must know, the one time a villain broke the truce, he was hunted down and – ”

“Yes, we all know what happened to him” the Doctor interrupted hastily. “I saw the results. It was quite understandable, but not even Dread Lord Painmaker would have taken it quite so far as The Caseworker did. I may someday forget the image of The Bowery Bastard’s remains, but not any time soon.”

“They never did find his other ear, did they.”

“No… no, they did not.”

“Or his other testic – ”

“That’s enough, I told you I saw what he looked like afterwards” shuddered Splicer.

“Just want to make sure you understand how seriously the arrangement is taken. Neither heroes, nor villains, will rest for a moment until vengeance is achieved. And any truce-breaker caught by a hero or villain will STILL have gotten off easy compared to one caught by The Caseworker.”

“The warning is unnecessary, I have no intention of harming the boy. But it’s worth remembering to be very clear about that intention as I attend the meeting. Tell the Foundation that I agree to their terms.”

 

Chapter 2

The following day, Doctor Splicer entered the hospital through the employee entrance (old habits die hard, he reflected as he realized that he’d done so). He wandered absently down his old route, past Radiology and through the lab, to Oncology, and nodded in greeting to the janitor who was the only employee that had been there long enough to remember when the infamous supervillain had been just Eugene Splicer, a medical student who had been brilliant if unorthodox and socially awkward. At the nurse’s station, he asked which room Joey Fischer was in, and walked up to the door of room 212… then stopped, unsure for the first time in decades what to do next. Bedside manner had never been his forte, after all – research had always been where his talents and passion lay. Then he heard a voice from the room calling “Nurse? Is Doctor Splicer here yet? The Caseworker said he’d promised to come”, and an unexpected emotion, one he couldn’t name, filled him and propelled him forward before he knew what was happening.

“Yes, Joey, I certainly did. How are we feeling today?” He never knew why doctors asked this question, especially of terminal patients, but he also never knew why people said a lot of the things that they were just expected to say in particular situations.

The boy’s face lit up. “It IS you! Awesome! I’ve followed all the news stories about you! Your work with the sentient plants was SO COOL! And brilliant, how you got the cell walls to integrate into a brain-like matrix by altering just five key epigenetic factors! No one had even considered that remotely possible, and you just DID it!” Joey was practically bouncing in the hospital bed and grinning ear to ear, despite all the tubes connected to him and the obvious effort that breathing cost him.

“You… you were not upset that they destroyed ten city blocks? And tried to eat the Masked Vigilante? Most people were rather upset by that, I’m afraid.”

“Oh, that stuff wasn’t GOOD, of course, but research involves risk, and anyone can make a mistake dealing with unknown factors.”

“That’s what I said, but FEMA and the Marines did not agree.”

“Well, they’re not scientists, they wouldn’t get it.”

“Exactly, my boy, exactly! How refreshing to speak with someone who understands…”

 

Three hours later, the Doctor departed, again by his old route. But this time, he stopped at the lab, searched through some blood samples, and then when he found what he sought pocketed one of the vials that had already been processed (there would still be enough untainted genetic material for him to make a beginning, to clone more if needed for further experiments…)

 

Chapter 3

Six weeks later, the Masked Vigilante got an unexpected message. It said, simply, “I am at these coordinates. I need you to assist with an experiment. GS”

 

That evening, there was a sound of breaking glass as the Vigilante dove through the window and rolled to his feet, non-lethal but VERY powerful weapons at the ready… and then hesitated as he saw a figure with his head on his desk, his arms covering his head, surrounded by charts and monitors and vials and complicated glassware. The figure didn’t even raise his head, but quietly said “Thank you for coming. There’s something I need you to see.”

The Vigilante remained where he was, remarking “Forgive my hesitation to approach you, but last time you asked me to ‘assist with an experiment’ you had your Flesh Golems restrain me so you could take skin samples from me by force. THEN you tried to clone an army of me to take over the city. It took months for me to finally clean up the last of that mess.”

“Indeed, and I regret it now.”

“You do?”

“Certainly. I made several miscalculations that should have been obvious to me.”

“Ah”.

“I know where it went wrong, but I am no longer interested in repeating the experiment. Please look at this monitor” went on the doctor in a monotone, pointing with one hand at the screen while still covering his head with the other arm.

Approaching cautiously, the Masked Vigilante saw the double helix and recognized the pattern of a human white blood cell, probably juvenile and certainly cancerous. VERY cancerous.

“Leukemia? Not the usual kind, though, is it? Why did you make it?” he growled suspiciously.

“I didn’t. I want to UNmake it. And I can’t. There is a boy. A boy…” Dr. Splicer trailed off into silence, and then whispered “A boy who reminds me so much of my little brother Kyle. Back before…”

Realization dawned. “The Make-a-Wish kid? I was a bit surprised to hear about that. More surprised to hear that you showed up.”

Head still on the desk, the doctor wearily intoned “I have researched, and researched, and experimented with every substance I can think of, every genetic code I can think of, programmed viruses and bacterium to seek out and destroy the cancer cells, programmed cancer cells to self-destruct, pushed back the boundaries of knowledge in the field of oncology in the past few weeks. I can think of dozens of ways – HUNDREDS of ways – to kill the cancer cells, but none that can kill the cancer without killing the boy.”

“I’m… wow. Of course I sympathize, but I’m confused. Why would you ask me of all people for help? My knowledge of genetics is decent, but yours is unsurpassed. I mean, it’s literally your NAME. And I’ve put you in JAIL five times this year alone. AND broken your leg. Twice. And frankly, I specialize more in punching your creations than in decoding their chromosomal anomalies.”

Suddenly the Doctor’s head jerked up, and the normally stoic Vigilante flinched as Splicer howled “I know how to make an army of killer mutants, but I do not know how to stop one! YOU DO!” Shocked, the Vigilante realized that there were tears flowing freely down Doctor Splicer’s face as he begged “Help me. Help me stop the killers. Help me save the innocent. It’s what you do.”

 

After a full two minutes without moving or speaking, the Vigilante sighed deeply, and replied “You’ve been thinking about this in the wrong way.”

He sighed again as he said “We both have.”

 

Reaching to the touch screen, he turned the 3-dimensional image of the helix around as he said “Look at this cell. It was once a healthy cell. It was part of the whole. It performed its proper function. It maintained order and life.

But then something happened to it. Something broke it. Something made it unable to continue as it was. Something changed it into a thing that couldn’t fit in where it should be, couldn’t remain within the boundaries, became consumed with the hunger to dominate and take over the rest of the body. And attempts to kill it have only made its hunger and virulence greater. This is not an enemy that you CAN defeat by killing it.

So you must convert it.

You must find the switch that can change it back to a healthy cell. You must find the lever that restores it to its rightful function. You must give it the instructions it needs to be what it was supposed to be all along – a cherished member of the body, not an outcast trying to destroy it.

And you, Doctor Splicer, YOU must do it. I’ll do what I can to help you. But we both know that you must, and you can, and you WILL, be the one who makes it happen.”

There was another long silence, this time so drawn out that the Vigilante was about to ask whether Splicer had heard him, when suddenly Doctor Splicer leaped out of the chair and grabbed him before there was time to react… and then burst into sobs while hugging him. And hugging him, and sobbing, and hugging him, and sobbing, and soon to his horror the Vigilante was sobbing too as he hugged the Doctor back.

 

Chapter 4

“I can’t… I can’t BELIEVE that” muttered the Police Commissioner a year later.

“Believe it or not, it’s true, Commissioner”, replied the Masked Vigilante. “Doctor Splicer not only cracked the epigenetic puzzle that put Joey’s cancer in remission, he has been working tirelessly to do the same for EVERY kid at the hospital. I’ve literally had to be called in by hospital staff to physically restrain him and force him to get some sleep, and even then he won’t unless I promise to make sure the experiments continue while he’s out. I want to put in a word with his parole board, I truly think he's reformed. Or, at least, if not, he’s far too busy doing pro-social things to have any time for anti-social behaviors anymore.”

“It’s highly irregular, of course, but EVERYTHING about this town is. Sure, let’s talk to the board about him. Any word on the Icemaker case?”

“Oh, he’s actually been helping in the lab, Commissioner.”

“WHAT?!?!?!?!”

“Turns out his knowledge of cryogenics has been extremely valuable for this kind of research. And he was too terrified to refuse, frankly, because of what Doctor Gene threatened to do to him if he didn’t help.”

“What the HELL could scare the Icemaker? His brain doesn’t even HAVE an amygdala, he’s not capable of feeling fear!”

“Apparently that was one of the things that Doctor Gene changed about him. And apparently the serum can change anything else Doctor Gene chooses. For example, whether Icemaker continues to have a liver. Or two kidneys. Or two ears. OR whether he gets to keep his other testic – ”

“Yeah, yeah, I get the idea.” The Commissioner shook his head. “Never thought I’d see the day.”

Permitting himself a grim smile, the Masked Vigilante replied “And yet, day has come.”

What I should have said two years ago...

I originally wrote this on 1/9/2021, but didn't publish it out of respect for my Evangelical friends and family. 

But that was before their actions and failures to act killed people I knew and loved. If Evangelicals want my respect, they'll have to earn it back. 

So here's what I should have said two years ago...

Well, Evangelicals: I told you so.

I warned you four years ago that when you make a deal with the Devil in order to gain earthly power, he will not keep his end of the deal, but he will make sure that you pay.

And four years later, the bill has come due.

You’ve lost the House, you’ve lost the Senate, you’ve lost the White House. Your conservative Supreme Court hasn’t done jack about abortion, and never will.* You lost all the earthly power you’d gained, and got nothing out of it even when you had it.

And you ALSO lost any moral or spiritual authority you ever had. For at least a generation, you are all now going to be lumped in with the far-right lunatic fringe, because that’s what you voted for even if that’s not what you actually wanted. You are now going to be forever associated with the traitors who stormed the Capitol with guns and plastic handcuffs, intending to hold your elected representatives hostage or kill them, at the instigation of the guy you elected and kept supporting. You are losing younger members in your churches, and they aren’t coming back. You are losing black and Latino members, and they aren’t coming back. You already lost most of your gay members decades ago, and now more of your members are willing to admit they’re gay… and they won’t come back.

You thought you had it bad when you first started losing the culture wars, back when everyone associated you with Ned Flanders? Well, people back then thought your beliefs were silly but at least believed you were decent and sincere – like Flanders. You will REALLY have a hard time being taken seriously now that everyone associates you with Donald Trump. People now think your beliefs are toxic and dangerous, and believe that you are liars and swindlers – like Trump. And you have no one, no one at ALL, to blame except yourselves.

I TOLD you so.

Are you ready to listen now?

Because if you listen now, and I mean RIGHT now, you might have one last chance to undo some of the damage you’ve done to your witness.

You can demonstrate that you mean what you say about repentance – when you do something that causes harm, even if that wasn’t your intent, then you stop doing it, turn things around, and start making things right.

You can demonstrate that you mean what you say about doing what’s right even when it will cost you.

You can demonstrate that you mean what you say about how character matters in a leader, and how a nation must repent if it allows its leaders to do evil.

You can demand that Trump be removed from office, immediately and permanently. Demand, now, today, that your legislators impeach and convict. Tell them they will lose your vote if they don’t.

You can finally admit that you made the wrong choice, stop doubling down on it and start choosing different.

That won’t save you from the loss of political power. Nothing will do that now, for the next couple years at least.

But it will show that you have the level of integrity that you’ve always said is important to have. It will go a long way to restore the general public’s belief that you are decent and sincere. It will go a long way to restore the respect that you’ve lost. It will mean that people who aren’t already Evangelical might be willing to consider attending one of your services, might be willing to think there could be something to this whole Christianity thing after all, might be willing to repent of their own wrongdoing, might be willing to look at the speck in their eye now that you’ve removed the beam in yours.

 

Or you can keep doing what you’ve been doing, and keep getting what you’ve been getting.

And if so, you will go on feeling hurt when your children or grandchildren reject your faith, when you continue to get made fun of by comedians, when people unfriend and block you, when people tell you to fuck off because you tried to share your faith, when your gay co-workers won’t speak to you, when everyone laughs at your claims to stand for Christian values, when everyone laughs off your concerns about religious liberty as a “persecution complex” … and I can sympathize with how much you’ll feel hurt by that, but you’ll have no right to pretend it’s a surprise.

You have one last moment to repent before it’s too late. Do you have the courage and honesty to do it?

I’m afraid I already know the answer. And it’s profoundly sad to see you lose the values you raised me to have, while gaining nothing in return.

Postscript, 1/6/23:

Spoiler alert - I was right. They absolutely have doubled down on Trump and Trumpism, and most of them still think Trump is the legitimate president. They absolutely did not have the courage and honesty to admit that they were wrong and try to do better. For people who talk so much about repentance, they sure are bad at it. 

Also:

* Turns out that the majority even of conservative voters didn't actually WANT the Supreme Court to strike down Roe vs. Wade, and that was a factor in the Republicans' failure to regain power in the midterms. The problem with a Faustian bargain is that you always get what you asked for, but you never get what you actually wanted.