Tell them who to be

We tell each other who to become.

I have very clear memories from early childhood of particular times that people told me I was smart, or kind, or good. And at those critical moments, I began to identify myself as smart, kind, good. Sometimes it was a parent, sometimes it was another relative or authority figure, sometimes it was a peer. But wherever the message originated, after hearing that message at that critical point, I began to tell MYSELF that I was these things… and began working to become smarter, kinder, better.

I became who I was told to be.

Who knows what might have happened if I’d heard different messages? Might I have become athletic if someone had caught the right moment to tell me I was strong, or fast? And what would have happened if, when I made a mistake, someone had told me I was bad, or stupid, at a moment when I was prepared to believe it?

I know the answer to that question, because I’ve met those kids in the course of my job, the ones who were told they were bad and stupid. And they work as hard as they can to be what someone – maybe maliciously, maybe just thoughtlessly - told them to be, so long ago they probably don’t even remember it.

We tell each other who to become.

That gives us an unbelievable, God-like power. I can literally create a human being with a word. I can speak, and command a person to be a saint, or a sociopath - and it will be so, if I speak at the right moment. That is a terrifying responsibility. Who have I told you to be? Who am I telling my wife, my child, my co-workers, my clients, to be?

We must tell our fellow beings, especially children, to become the best that it is in them to be. And we must tell them ALL THE TIME. Because we never know which is that all-important moment when we can tell them who to be.

© John M. Munzer