The Space Orcs of Space Orcs

 "Oh hork oh hork oh hork oh hork oh hork we are so horking HORKED!"

The Copplian first mate had never seen zir captain afraid of ANYTHING, and was shocked to see the triumphant body langauge shift so suddenly into abject terror.

"Captain, what's wrong?"

"First mate, the vessel we just captured has a HUMAN aboard!"

NOW it was clear why the captain was terrified. But, surely...

"But surely, captain, the stories must be exaggerated. They CAN'T be as dangerous as the legends say."

"Have you been to their homeworld?"

"Negative, captain."

"I have. I was there on the first recon missions before contact was made. Our suits were just barely capable of withstanding the toxic and corrosive atmosphere the humans breathe. We landed in a place the Terrans call "Florida". I observed one of the humans engaged in a sport called "gator wrestling". An animal several times larger than the human, with a bite force in excess of eight THOUSAND Newtons ... and the human had wrestled it into submission. Humans had learned that the muscles which CLOSE the beast's jaws are incredibly powerful, but the muscles which OPEN the jaws are far weaker. And afterwards, the humans were EATING chunks of alligator. Coated in capsaicin, which is TOXIC to humans. And showing every sign of enjoyment. You see, humans are not as strong as we are, nor as numerous, nor as intelligent, but they are unrivalled at two things: Surviving impossible odds, and finding ways to exploit the weaknesses of much more powerful enemies."

"But sir, as you say, we have every possible advantage. Our ship is faster and more powerful, our weapons are more powerful, we are physically larger and stronger and faster, we are more intelligent. We can easily destroy this one human."

"One, certainly. But are you prepared to force our species to fight eight BILLION Death Breathers? I also learned something else about humans: They have practiced their skill of defeating more powerful enemies by fighting the most terrifying possible opponents."

"The Gloxxan? Five meters high with leaden exoskeletons and mandibles that can slice through metal?"

"No, worse. OTHER HUMANS. You have perhaps heard that there are many tribes of humans, and that they used to fight each other before learning that there were other intelligent species in the universe?"

"Yes, sir."

"And you have, perhaps, heard of the Russians?"

Now the first mate grew, if possible, even more terrified than the captain. "The human aboard the vessel we captured is RUSSIAN? The humans that burned their own city to the ground in order to ensure that the invaders would freeze to death?"

"No, First Mate. This human is not Russian, and I would NOT advise you to refer to her as such in her presence. Do you see the yellow and blue symbol on her torso? That means she is UKRAINIAN."

There was a long silence as the First Mate digested this information. 

Then:

"Unconditional surrender and abject apology, sir?"

"Unconditional surrender and, as you say, abject apology, First Mate."

Fourth of July and national pride

I have to admit, it's been getting increasingly difficult to feel patriotic on our nation's birthday. 

It's been damn hard to feel much pride in a country wherein a third of the voters STILL support the guy who tried to overthrow the will of the people by violence, and continually deny that's what he did despite the evidence of their own eyes. And another third couldn't even be bothered to vote against the guy who led the charge to overthrow the will of the people.

It's been damn hard to feel much pride in a country where so many of its citizens believe that compelling everyone to stand in a show of respect to a flag would be patriotism, but endorsing a citizen's right to protest when the enforcers of our country's law aren't enforcing it equally is NOT patriotism.

It's been damn hard to feel much pride in a country where so many of its citizens believed that their right to go to the grocery store without a mask during a global pandemic was more important than the right of their own grandparents to live.

It's been damn hard to feel much pride in a country where so many of its citizens believe that it would be better off being run by their specific brand of "Christian values", and never ever realize that their brand of values are the opposite in every way to those preached by their Christ.

It's been damn hard to feel much pride in a country where so many of its citizens believe without evidence that drag queens and trans women are the most likely people to sexually assault children, and want to make laws to protect kids from this imaginary threat... when the fact is that statistically most sex offenders are cisgender heterosexual men who attend church regularly. (And of COURSE sex offenders go to church and worm their way into children's ministry. Where else are they likely to find kids whose parents teach them to obey religious authority figures without question, won't give them any sex education beyond "Don't", and make them feel ashamed of anything related to sex? Where else would they find such easy victims who are so unlikely to report the crime?)

It's been damn hard not to wonder whether democracy is even a good idea, when it's the system that put a toddler who's perpetually mid-tantrum in charge of the Big Red Button. And might even do so again. Even AFTER hearing about all that motherfucker's crimes against democracy. 

YES. All of that.

AND.

It's also the country that was founded on the (at the time radical) idea that no one human or group of humans should have absolute power.

It was founded on the idea that the citizens should control the government rather than vice versa. 

It was founded on the idea that no one should ever be powerful enough to stop even the most powerless person from publicly criticizing them. 

It was founded on the idea that the laws should change as society changes, that human beings could and SHOULD become more moral over time and change national policy accordingly. 

It was founded on the idea that liberty should continue to expand to more and more people over time. 

It was founded on the idea that the government IS the people and the people ARE the government. Taxation could no longer be theft because it was the people deciding collectively how their resources should be pooled for the common good, not just one guy in a fancy golden hat taking and spending their money on his own whim.

It was founded by people who even in their own failings and hypocrisy recognized their failings and hypocrisy - people who called slavery a blight and an abomination even as they continued to practice it, but nevertheless expressed the hope that one day their more enlightened descendants would end the practice. 

It was founded on the idea that everyone deserves at a bare minimum to have life, liberty, and the ability to pursue happiness (as the individual defines happiness).

It was founded by people who knew that humans were ignorant and brutal but hoped that over time humans would become more enlightened and less violent, and created a system to give humans room to grow into better people, a system that gave society room to grow into a better society.

The Founding Fathers created a system wherein people could realize that what the Founding Fathers wanted... was for their children's children's children to not have to give a shit what the Founding Fathers would have wanted. Because they knew we would have more information and be able to make better decisions.

The Founding Fathers created a system of checks and balances that, while frustratingly slow to enact necessary changes for the better, ALSO made it as difficult as possible for any one misguided person to make any permanent changes for the worse.

They made a system wherein people could express their patriotism not with unqualified declarations of love for "my country, right or wrong", but wherein people could love their country enough to demand that it become a better country. 

And that, despite our country's many, many flaws, IS worth celebrating. That IS worth being proud of.