My bad habit

I’ve always processed my thoughts and feelings by writing them, particularly when I’m upset. As a kid I did that on paper; now that I can type faster than I can write, I do it on the computer. That’s not a bad habit in itself.

BUT:

I’ve gotten into the habit of doing it, not in a journal or a Word document or even in this blog, but in e-mails and on Facebook posts. Frequently, I start to write them out, look at what I’ve written and realize “That’s something that’s okay for me to feel, but not something that’s kind/ helpful/ wise/ true/ logical/ necessary to say to this person/ an appropriate response to what this person said/ a complete or articulate thought”, and then I hit “Delete” rather than “Send” or “Post”.

But sometimes, the internal editor doesn’t intervene, and I go ahead and send or post something that would have been better written in a journal and then let go. It’s like instead of writing it in a journal, I wrote it on someone ELSE’S journal. Which is being published world-wide.

And that’s when I get myself in trouble. Because I’m more likely to make this mistake when I’m writing about something that upsets me, these things tend to be dripping with sarcasm and invective rather than clearly thought-out, logical points that can easily be followed by people who aren't me. And they also tend to be loaded with anger that isn’t directed at the particular person, or even solely that particular issue, but ALL the anger I have about ALL of the things that are wrong with the world. So I’m not only venting anger inappropriately at the wrong person, I’m not even really explaining what I’m angry about, or that it’s not about the person to whom I’m writing. 

AND I'm doing it in writing, so neither of us are seeing each other's faces, hearing tone of voice, seeing body language. So other people aren't getting the cues that would have told them this isn't about them. And I'm not getting the initial cues that would have told me I was out of line and need to stop and apologize, rather than continue the inappropriate rage-splosion.

Again, all this in someone else's journal. Which is being published world-wide. Where, literally, everyone and their grandmother can read it.

So if I do that to someone who is a LOT more reasonable than I am (which, thankfully, happened last time I did this), the response is simply a baffled “What was that about?” And here, I should offer my deep thanks to the people who are a lot more reasonable than I am, as well as my deep apologies to anyone who's been at the receiving end of one of my misplaced rants.

If I do it to someone who, like me, tends to get defensive if they feel attacked (especially in a public setting) … well, really, when that blows up in my face I’m dealing with the natural consequences of my mistakes there. But it was unfair for me to do this to the person in the first place.

So, I’m going to try and get into the habit of using a Word document that I can save or delete when I’m done venting, rather than venting at the universe in general in a format with a "Send" button.

At the very least, if I'm gonna share a rant with everyone and their grandmother, I'll make sure to edit it so it's at least sorta coherent, and put it in my own blog where it belongs.

In that spirit, I waited a few days after writing this before posting it. I felt that my internal editor needed the practice.