Today, a co-worker from the Netherlands told me that many Dutch surnames translate to terms like "Two shits" or "Big Boobs". She said that traditionally the Dutch didn't use surnames, but when they were conquered by the Romans they often would insult the census-takers who demanded to know their surnames. And the Romans, who didn't know any different, wrote those names down.
So basically the conversations went like this:
Roman centurion: Okay, we need your name for our census.
Ben the farmer: Ben.
Roman centurion: Ben... what?
Ben: What do you mean?
Centurion: What's the rest of your name?
Ben: Just Ben.
Centurion (writing): Just... Ben...
Ben: No, it's Ben, dumbass.
Centurion (writing): Ben... Dumbass...
Ben (exasperated): Ben Dover. My name is Ben Dover.
Centurion (writing): Ben... Dover... Thank you, Ben Dover. We tried to talk to the farmer next door but he wasn't home. What's his name?
Ben now-Dover: Joe.
Centurion: Joe... who?
Ben Dover: Joe Mama.
Centurion: Thank you. Could you describe him, please?
Ben Dover: Joe Mama is super fat and, like, REALLY ugly.
Centurion (writing): Mama... is... fat and ugly... Have I got it?
Ben Dover (nodding enthusiastically): Absolutely, yes. That is a perfect description of Joe Mama.
Centurion: Thanks for your cooperation with the census.
Ben Dover: No problem, Shit-For-Brains.
Centurion: I... didn't catch that last word?
Ben Dover: Shit-For-Brains. It's a title of respect that we reserve for Roman centurions.
Centurion: Sounds like I should have people call me that to show respect, then.
Ben Dover (silently blessing his gods for this golden opportunity and straining every fiber to keep a straight face): YES. You should absolutely INSIST that everyone calls you Shit-For-Brains. You should start with telling Jason Eat-My-Entire-Ass-You-Pig-Fucking-Roman-Asswipe over there.
Centurion (girding loins): I certainly will, Ben Dover.
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