How I learned that Chick-Fil-A exists

Company CEO: We’re opening a whole bunch of restaurants this year, and we need to bring in the customers. I want our name to be as famous as the big boys. Everyone knows KFC, but there’s still people who haven’t even HEARD of my restaurant. I want the biggest publicity stunt ever.

Marketing exec: Well sir, people seem to respond well to commercials that involve sex, music, or computer-animated talking animals. How about singing, dancing chickens in bikinis?

Company CEO: How much would that cost?

Marketing exec: With all the programmers involved, plus getting the rights to use a popular song, plus paying the networks to run it nationwide…  Sir, a conservative estimate would be several million.

Company CEO: Oof. Just when I need the money to invest in those new branches. Any other ideas?

Marketing exec: I know - Let’s get involved in a divisive political issue, donate a couple million to one side of the cause, and tell people that they are supporting their party line by eating at your restaurant. People who approve of your stance will flock to you; people who disapprove will complain about you, and their Facebook friends who approve will flock to you and pass the word. The whole goddamn country will be talking about you for weeks. I bet you’ll even get people willing to stand in line for hours to eat your chicken, if you make a big “Support the Cause Event” day.

Company CEO: Sounds good, but Americans have the attention span of a goldfish, especially for politics. Hell, most of them have already forgotten we’re still at war. I want something even bigger.

Marketing exec: Well, people get passionate about sex, religion, and politics. What if there was an issue that involved ALL THREE?

Company CEO: Oh. HELL. Yes. The gay marriage debate.  You can’t even BUY publicity like that would generate. Every religious person in the country, AND everyone who resents religion, AND every gay person, AND every homophobe, AND everyone with any kind of political affiliation at all … EVERYONE will get worked up over this.

Marketing exec: Exactly. Do you have a preference about which side to support, sir?

Company CEO:  Meh, toss a coin. No, wait… Gimme demographics. Which side buys the most fast food?

Marketing exec: Well, sir, liberals tend to be more into eating local, eating organic, even vegetarian. Conservatives… well, have you ever seen a picture of Rush Limbaugh?

Company CEO: Right then. We’re now Team No Gay Marriage. You really think people are stupid enough to fall for this?

Marketing exec: Sir, people listen to Justin Beiber.

Company CEO: I told you never to speak the Evil One’s name in my presence. Still, point taken. Best $2 million I’ll ever spend. Hey, make sure you also write a couple articles about how outraged everyone should be about our stance and put ‘em up in some liberal blogs, to get the ball rolling.

Marketing exec: Exactly what I was thinking myself, sir.

Company CEO: Excellent. Meeting adjourned. Let’s sell some chicken, people!