Growing up

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a grown-up. Co-workers have told me about their teenage kids who want to go out when they like, stay up all night, have all the privileges of being adults without having to worry about things like who’s paying for the fun times and who’s up late wondering where they are. I’ve had clients at work who tell me that their rules and limits are bullshit, they’re adults and they should get to do what they want. And, now that I’m a father, I’m thinking a lot about what it will be like to deal with my own child going through the stages of wanting more freedom and less responsibility than she’s ready for. And I’ve been thinking about whether I myself have “arrived” as a grown-up.

I think it all comes down to this: When we’re kids, we think “When I’m a grown-up, I can do what I want”. But we only really grow up when we stop doing what we like, and start doing what we ought.

When I was in college staying up all night to hang out with friends instead of doing homework, I was an adult; but I wasn’t yet a grown-up. When I was on my own charging restaurant meals and electronic toys I couldn’t afford, I was an adult; but I wasn’t yet a grown-up. When I was just starting to work in a group home for kids and I yelled back when they yelled at me, I was an adult; but I wasn’t yet a grown-up.

Being a grown-up means that I have the right to stay up all night partying, but choose instead to go to bed, then get up and go to work. Being a grown-up means staying calm and respectful, even when people are angry and disrespectful towards me. Being a grown-up means seeing past what people say and how they say it, seeing instead what they NEED, and offering them a better way to get it. Being a grown-up means that I choose to do the right thing, regardless of what anyone else is choosing. Being a grown-up means knowing when to be flexible and when to stand firm. Being a grown-up means doing for others as I’d want them to do for me, but refusing to do for others what they ought to do for themselves. Being a grown-up means being sick and STILL going to work, then coming home to take care of a sick wife and baby. Being a grown-up means being angry, scared, tired, uncertain, and STILL using self-control.

Being a grown-up is HARD.

But when I was a kid who couldn’t wait to be a grown-up, I was right about one thing:

The only way to be in control of my own life is to be a grown-up.

The only way I can keep others from controlling me is to have self-control. The only way I can have control of my finances is to only buy what I can afford. The only way I get to keep the privileges, rights, and freedoms of being a grown-up is to carry the responsibilities.

On this, my first Father’s Day, I hope I’m finally grown-up enough to help my child become a grown-up.

© John M. Munzer