As I hold my baby daughter, singing to her, and we look long and hard into each other's eyes, I'm sure we both have the same thought:
"Behind those eyes, something is happening that is too big for me to understand."
© John M. Munzer
Monday, May 17, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The Three Great Questions
WHAT do I long for?
WHY can't I say?
And HOW does she manage to know anyway?
© John M. Munzer
WHY can't I say?
And HOW does she manage to know anyway?
© John M. Munzer
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The Armageddon Virus
There was once a world very like ours, in which people were rapidly becoming utterly dependent upon computers. One mad genius decided it was time to destroy all the computers, demolish the present society, and start over. So he programmed an indestructible self-replicating virus that would read a program’s binary code, then reverse all the ones and zeros. His diabolical scheme (which had little to do with science, and a lot to do with his not taking his medication) was that this should turn it into the opposite program, bringing chaos and anarchy. BWA-HA-HA-HAAA!!!
As soon as the programmer finished and hit Enter, the virus attacked the first computer it could find – the one where it was created and stored. Against all reason, the theory worked: the program reversed itself and turned into the opposite program. It became an indestructible self-replicating repair program, and was in every computer in the world overnight. It repaired all the bugs that the computer companies had so carefully placed in each computer to ensure that people would have to get a new one every year. No one ever bought a new computer again. The economy, which was dependent on people buying new computers every year, collapsed, bringing chaos and anarchy. BWA-HA-HA-HAAA!!!
© John M. Munzer
As soon as the programmer finished and hit Enter, the virus attacked the first computer it could find – the one where it was created and stored. Against all reason, the theory worked: the program reversed itself and turned into the opposite program. It became an indestructible self-replicating repair program, and was in every computer in the world overnight. It repaired all the bugs that the computer companies had so carefully placed in each computer to ensure that people would have to get a new one every year. No one ever bought a new computer again. The economy, which was dependent on people buying new computers every year, collapsed, bringing chaos and anarchy. BWA-HA-HA-HAAA!!!
© John M. Munzer
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Fashion Police, arrest those boys! - or, dammit, I must be getting old
So, these new pants that I've seen on some teenage boys ... the ones that are skin-tight from ankle to crotch, but the crotch is slung about a foot too low... I noticed these today and thought, WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! It combines the worst of the skin-tight look from the 80's, with the worst of the pants-on-the-ground look from the 90's (both of which, I'm ashamed to say, I did wear at times during those decades). It looks exactly like the guy is wearing a full diaper, under sweatpants two sizes too small for him. Trust me, I know; I've spent the last ten years changing diapers for a living, and pants that look like that always mean half a container of wipes will be needed.
Who the hell saw that at a fashion show and said to himself, "God, yes, I'll be SO hot in the I-outgrew-them-then-shat-them look"? What designer thought this would sell? And why, against all reason, are they selling?
Then I thought, I must be getting old. Only been a daddy four months today, and already I'm practicing the "kids these days" and "what the hell are you wearing?" speeches in my head.
And then I thought, dear God, I can just about reconcile myself to the fact that my daughter will someday find teenage boys attractive (as horrifying as that is, I can accept it as inevitable). But please, please tell me she won't find them attractive IN THOSE PANTS. Please tell me that, if she turns to her friends and says "Damn, I'd love to tear those pants off him", the next words out of her mouth will be "so I can burn them. Preferably on consecrated ground, so that their evil can be thoroughly purged, and will defile the living world no more." Because, if this is a world in which people actually think those pants look good, I'm not sure I want to raise a child here. Can I book a flight on the earliest colony ship to Mars? At least no one will expect spacesuits to be considered attractive. I hope.
So, maybe I'm getting old. Old enough to realize that my parents were right about spiked hair, mullets, and phat pants; and THEIR parents were right about bellbotttoms and polyester disco suits. Old enough to understand a truth that holds even in such a trivial, meaningless thing as fashion: Just because an idea is new, doesn't mean it's good. Just because it hasn't been tried before, doesn't necessarily mean it should be tried now.
© John M. Munzer
Who the hell saw that at a fashion show and said to himself, "God, yes, I'll be SO hot in the I-outgrew-them-then-shat-them look"? What designer thought this would sell? And why, against all reason, are they selling?
Then I thought, I must be getting old. Only been a daddy four months today, and already I'm practicing the "kids these days" and "what the hell are you wearing?" speeches in my head.
And then I thought, dear God, I can just about reconcile myself to the fact that my daughter will someday find teenage boys attractive (as horrifying as that is, I can accept it as inevitable). But please, please tell me she won't find them attractive IN THOSE PANTS. Please tell me that, if she turns to her friends and says "Damn, I'd love to tear those pants off him", the next words out of her mouth will be "so I can burn them. Preferably on consecrated ground, so that their evil can be thoroughly purged, and will defile the living world no more." Because, if this is a world in which people actually think those pants look good, I'm not sure I want to raise a child here. Can I book a flight on the earliest colony ship to Mars? At least no one will expect spacesuits to be considered attractive. I hope.
So, maybe I'm getting old. Old enough to realize that my parents were right about spiked hair, mullets, and phat pants; and THEIR parents were right about bellbotttoms and polyester disco suits. Old enough to understand a truth that holds even in such a trivial, meaningless thing as fashion: Just because an idea is new, doesn't mean it's good. Just because it hasn't been tried before, doesn't necessarily mean it should be tried now.
© John M. Munzer
Thursday, March 18, 2010
On the True Nature of Cats
Thanks to Jurassic Park, everyone is now aware of chaos theory and the so-called “Butterfly Effect” – the idea that apparently unconnected events can really be in a cause-and-effect relationship to each other; the idea that everything in the universe is so deeply intertwined that the air currents from the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil can lead to a Goldbergian series of events which culminates in a thunderstorm in China.
Cats have known this for millions of years; and they also can instinctively see how it works. They see lines of probability in the air, as clearly as we see grass and trees and buildings. And they know how to manipulate the Butterfly Effect to their advantage. A lot of their apparently pointless behavior is really a manifestation of this innate ability to look at a situation, do the insanely complicated math to figure out what particular movement needs to happen in order to get a result they want, and then make that movement happen.
So when a cat suddenly and inexplicably sprints from one room to another, stops short, and meows, it’s not random. She is making air currents move, setting in motion a series of events; and the fact that you will jump in surprise has been figured into her calculations. This is why cats always investigate any new objects in the house so carefully. They need to figure out how the object will change the air currents in the room, so they can recalibrate their movements accordingly. This is also why cats get so very angry when they’re held at a time when they don’t want to be held. We’re preventing them from doing the necessary movements at the right time.
People have always had a vague idea that cats had some inexplicable power. The ancient Egyptians revered their cats as gods, and pampered and prayed to them in hopes that they would make sure the Nile flooded each year, but not TOO much flooding, please. Medieval Europeans noticed some of the odd things that were happening, and had the vague idea that cats were to blame, so they burned many cats as witches – as well as many old ladies who had lots of cats, because that looked like aiding and abetting. We’ve suspected, but we’ve never seen the whole picture because we didn’t know about the Butterfly Effect.
So, exactly what changes will the cat make by manipulating the Butterfly Effect? Usually, what she’s doing is changing the weather so she can have a sunbeam to lie in when she wants one. This is the real reason cats fight each other so viciously – it’s nothing to do with mating or territory, they’re fighting over who gets the next sunbeam.
But sometimes, it’s much more intricate than that. The evolution of man is the direct result of the coordinated efforts of billions of cats over millions of years. Humans developed intelligence because CATS ARE LAZY. The saber-toothed tigers of prehistoric days were tired of running after things and eating them raw. That was interfering with some prime sunbathing time, and also not very tasty. They could have decided to evolve hands, so they could make fire for cooking, tend livestock, make fishing poles, build factories, etc. But it all would have made so much work that it wasn’t worth it. Instead, they carefully orchestrated events so the right electrons would strike the right parts of the brains of the right monkeys at the right time… and one day a monkey thought, “I’d like to move out of the trees, get a nice cave in the suburbs, develop thought, language, and culture, and maybe someday my descendants will build a cat food factory. I wonder what that is?” Each phase in human progress, from the discovery of fire to the Industrial Revolution, was initiated by this sort of thing. (Ever notice how many great inventors had cats? NOT a coincidence.) The cats also evolved smaller teeth and bodies, so we would find them endearing and take them into our nice warm houses, feed them, clean up their poop, and never ask anything in return except that they sit there being cute. As far as the cats are concerned, the world is now perfect.
They do some basic maintenance, like making sure no comets make a direct hit on the earth and form dust clouds that block out the sun. (The last one was their idea, because it forced humans to look for ways to keep warm and discover fire. But that phase of the plan is now past.) For the same reason, they have ensured that no nuclear wars have started. They have triggered series of events to make sure an electron always hits the right part of the right brain to make someone think, “Wait, I can’t push the Big Red Button! If I did that, there’d be nuclear winter and my cat wouldn’t have any sunbeams to lie in. I wonder why I thought of my cat just now?”
But for the most part, the cats are free to lie around in sunbeams all day and wait for the delightful sound of the can opener. Heaven knows they’ve earned it.
© John M. Munzer
Cats have known this for millions of years; and they also can instinctively see how it works. They see lines of probability in the air, as clearly as we see grass and trees and buildings. And they know how to manipulate the Butterfly Effect to their advantage. A lot of their apparently pointless behavior is really a manifestation of this innate ability to look at a situation, do the insanely complicated math to figure out what particular movement needs to happen in order to get a result they want, and then make that movement happen.
So when a cat suddenly and inexplicably sprints from one room to another, stops short, and meows, it’s not random. She is making air currents move, setting in motion a series of events; and the fact that you will jump in surprise has been figured into her calculations. This is why cats always investigate any new objects in the house so carefully. They need to figure out how the object will change the air currents in the room, so they can recalibrate their movements accordingly. This is also why cats get so very angry when they’re held at a time when they don’t want to be held. We’re preventing them from doing the necessary movements at the right time.
People have always had a vague idea that cats had some inexplicable power. The ancient Egyptians revered their cats as gods, and pampered and prayed to them in hopes that they would make sure the Nile flooded each year, but not TOO much flooding, please. Medieval Europeans noticed some of the odd things that were happening, and had the vague idea that cats were to blame, so they burned many cats as witches – as well as many old ladies who had lots of cats, because that looked like aiding and abetting. We’ve suspected, but we’ve never seen the whole picture because we didn’t know about the Butterfly Effect.
So, exactly what changes will the cat make by manipulating the Butterfly Effect? Usually, what she’s doing is changing the weather so she can have a sunbeam to lie in when she wants one. This is the real reason cats fight each other so viciously – it’s nothing to do with mating or territory, they’re fighting over who gets the next sunbeam.
But sometimes, it’s much more intricate than that. The evolution of man is the direct result of the coordinated efforts of billions of cats over millions of years. Humans developed intelligence because CATS ARE LAZY. The saber-toothed tigers of prehistoric days were tired of running after things and eating them raw. That was interfering with some prime sunbathing time, and also not very tasty. They could have decided to evolve hands, so they could make fire for cooking, tend livestock, make fishing poles, build factories, etc. But it all would have made so much work that it wasn’t worth it. Instead, they carefully orchestrated events so the right electrons would strike the right parts of the brains of the right monkeys at the right time… and one day a monkey thought, “I’d like to move out of the trees, get a nice cave in the suburbs, develop thought, language, and culture, and maybe someday my descendants will build a cat food factory. I wonder what that is?” Each phase in human progress, from the discovery of fire to the Industrial Revolution, was initiated by this sort of thing. (Ever notice how many great inventors had cats? NOT a coincidence.) The cats also evolved smaller teeth and bodies, so we would find them endearing and take them into our nice warm houses, feed them, clean up their poop, and never ask anything in return except that they sit there being cute. As far as the cats are concerned, the world is now perfect.
They do some basic maintenance, like making sure no comets make a direct hit on the earth and form dust clouds that block out the sun. (The last one was their idea, because it forced humans to look for ways to keep warm and discover fire. But that phase of the plan is now past.) For the same reason, they have ensured that no nuclear wars have started. They have triggered series of events to make sure an electron always hits the right part of the right brain to make someone think, “Wait, I can’t push the Big Red Button! If I did that, there’d be nuclear winter and my cat wouldn’t have any sunbeams to lie in. I wonder why I thought of my cat just now?”
But for the most part, the cats are free to lie around in sunbeams all day and wait for the delightful sound of the can opener. Heaven knows they’ve earned it.
© John M. Munzer
Thursday, March 11, 2010
It's about the journey
I like words. I like playing with them, I like learning about them, and I occasionally enjoy finding out where they come from. One word whose origin I've learned about is "righteous". It occurred to me that it could have originally been pronounced "right-wise" (and looking it up quickly on a site about etymology, that idea appears to be confirmed.) As "clock-wise" means "going the way the clock goes", "right-wise" means "going the right way".
That's a comforting thought. It means that we don't need to have arrived, to already be perfect, in order to be righteous. All we need do is keep moving, however slowly, in the right direction. Right-wiseness is about the journey.
© John M. Munzer
That's a comforting thought. It means that we don't need to have arrived, to already be perfect, in order to be righteous. All we need do is keep moving, however slowly, in the right direction. Right-wiseness is about the journey.
© John M. Munzer
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Chasing Rainbows, Conclusion
A week later, Seamus was trying to think of something to do that didn’t involve spending money, since he had by now found out that he’d been tricked, and he couldn’t go back and find the leprechaun because there hadn’t been any rain or rainbows all week. Seamus decided to go to the local museum. He was greeted by the curator, a short, wizened old man with a pipe and a name tag that said “Leth”. Seamus asked about it, and the old man replied, “I know it’s an unusual name. It’s short for Lethter. See, me mam wanted to name me Lester, but she had a lisp. So, Leth Brogan at your service” he bowed. “May I show you our newest exhibit? It’s very historically important, and our little museum’s extremely lucky to have it.” The curator showed Seamus into the one well-lit room in the building. There Seamus saw a display case made of bullet-proof glass two feet thick, holding a single tiny gold coin that looked very familiar. When he asked the curator, the old man replied, “Oh, that’s the rarest coin in the world. There don’t seem to be any others like it anywhere. It’s a Finn Mac Coul farthing, and dates back to before the time o’ King Arthur.”
“Such a little coin…” muttered Seamus. “Is it valuable?” he asked, beginning to get a nasty feeling in the pit of his stomach.
“Well, sure it’s not for sale at any price,” replied the curator, wiping the display case with a rag, “but if someone was to find another, any collector would pay whatever was asked. Why, if you filled a cauldron the size of a bathtub with gold, it would be just enough to buy that little coin there.”
Seamus exploded, “He tricked me again, he tricked me again, next time there’s a rainbow I’ll kill him!” and stormed out of the museum. Mr. Leth Brogan followed Seamus to the front door and called after him, “Sir, wouldn’t you like to stay and see our collection of shoe buckles? It’s quite impressive…”, but Seamus kept running down the street.
The curator sat down, used the rag to shine the buckles on his shoes, mused aloud, “What an amazin’ly stupid man”, and was gone.
© John M. Munzer
“Such a little coin…” muttered Seamus. “Is it valuable?” he asked, beginning to get a nasty feeling in the pit of his stomach.
“Well, sure it’s not for sale at any price,” replied the curator, wiping the display case with a rag, “but if someone was to find another, any collector would pay whatever was asked. Why, if you filled a cauldron the size of a bathtub with gold, it would be just enough to buy that little coin there.”
Seamus exploded, “He tricked me again, he tricked me again, next time there’s a rainbow I’ll kill him!” and stormed out of the museum. Mr. Leth Brogan followed Seamus to the front door and called after him, “Sir, wouldn’t you like to stay and see our collection of shoe buckles? It’s quite impressive…”, but Seamus kept running down the street.
The curator sat down, used the rag to shine the buckles on his shoes, mused aloud, “What an amazin’ly stupid man”, and was gone.
© John M. Munzer
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